Yep, this is not going to be a happy one. I am rather a "Debbie Downer" these days. Sorry. Hey my blog is for me to whine and do whatever lol. Oh well.
So my aunt just called my dad and my grandpa's being put on Oxygen. I guess hospise is starting up. My phrase to my dad "so has shit hit the fan?" Him: Pretty much. So I am sitting here trying to keep my composure and it's really hard. I just want to cry. I dont want to see him on oxygen. Okay so the tears are starting... Anyways. I dont want to see him on oxygen. I dont want the mental picture in my head. I'll never forget when my grandma was in the hospital with pneumonia and seeing her with 90 million tubes and seeing the x ray of her lungs filled w/ fluid. I remember looking at her knowing how sick she was. I dont want to do it with my grandpa. I dont want to! I have been mentally preparing for this since November. I'd run the thoughts through my head. I'd play out the thoughts, the possibilities, the strength I was going to have to pull the family through it all. I dont think I have that much strength to do it. So now it's January 13th and I am trying to prepare myself as much as I can for the inevitable. It makes me want to vomit. It makes me want to curl up in a corner and just cry. I have done that before. I keep saying "he's still here. dont look at it that way". Then that little part of my brain's like "prepare for it katie." Then another is saying "just cry or else you're going to go crazy". And then finally, the most annoying part of it all "Just dont cry. Hide it. Show your strength. Show that you can get through this more than you or anyone else thinks you can." So you wanna know what my heart says: Dang this really hurts. Hospice is such a scary term for me. I learned what it was when I was 11. Uggh. I gotta go. I have to go do something. I need to leave my head for awhile... haha good luck with that. Between this, me thinking about N, work piling up (I only have Saturday off), stupid T situation, and just my own personal dissatisfaction with life... I am pretty crappy. I'll be fine though. I promise. I am just having a bad start to my 2009. I have a good support base that will get me through stuff.
It's so funny though because I was looking at him last night when my cousin Jamie and I were over there and something in my head clicked where I just realized that this was going to happen really quickly. I dont know. He had this weird aura (dont think I am a weirdo, it was so hard to explain because I have never experienced seeing an aura around something), a brightness around him. Hopefully that was something significant. I hope it was my grandma around him actually, not to get all spiritual being like. I'll pretend it was, regardless. There was this insane happiness/calmness to him too. It was so weird. I thought it was weird when I saw it and I still do. It really bothered me when a memorial marker commercial came on and I saw he saw it and I just grabbed his attention as quickly as I could. I know he has thought about it but I dont want him to. I really really really just want him to be happy. Really bad.
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2 comments:
My heart is breaking for you so much sweetie!!!
i will b praying for you , your grandpa and your family!!!!
Hi Katy, Just stopped by to see how you are doing. I am so sorry that you are going through all this it really does suck, been there. Just know that all the emotions you are feeling are totally normal. If you feel like crying cry, if you feel like laughing laugh, it is all good. You will be ok, and so will your grampa, he is headed for a wonderful place, you have seen the peace already. Big hugs to you and your family.. Deb
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