If It Makes You Happy

So right now I am going in this very selfish stage where there is so much negativity around me rather itd be the sick, the dying, or the irritating, that my number one goal is to make myself happy. I cannot tell you the last time I was truly truly happy for more than 3 days. I think maybe December? I get happy spells. I get angry spells. I am a person. I dont smile for the heck of it. I think "Good for you" if you have the bubbly personality but its not me. I am sorry. I am not making excuses for my behavior on it. I know I am a negative person as of the past 6-8 weeks but cut me some slack, I am going through a lot. I had a lost loved one who was my hero, my uncle's really sick, my aunts' horrible, family stuff that I havent talked to ANYONE about (nothing too bad, just upsets me), work stress, and friends who are who they are. Any excuse? Not really but it is what it is. I surround myself with my closest friends because of the love, support, and happiness they bring to me personally. They let me be me and understand that I am not always rainbows and skittles.
I have been so concerned with everyone else's well being that I dont really account my own personal happiness into the equation. Am I going to stay selfish? No. But I think I deserve to do what I want that makes me happy for a little bit. Its so stressful worrying about this or that and I am making myself SOOOOOOOOO unhappy because if I do something I dont want to, I am mad. If I don't, someone else is mad. Where does that leave this people pleaser? Mad. Why do I put myself through hell though? I am really trying to change my ways. I really am trying to be happy and see the constant rays of sunshine. I so badly want to just be me. I am going through a huge transition. I really want to move away and start fresh. I want to be somewhere with my career. I went to a counceling/ therapy session today with my aunt and her social worker and got to listen to the social worker talk to my aunt about her grief and normalcy and she talked to me and told me that I am on the right track. There was a release today when I talked to her. Reminded me why I wanted to get into the psych field again which was good because I am really starting to lose hope in my capability to get something done and be successful. I got some good advice from one of my exes, who I genuinely think is brilliant, way back when we dated about dealing with things and maturity and I seriously try to apply it to my everyday life. I dont remember word for word but I know the message and some days I just want to call him and be like "Geez, you were so right!!!" It took a few years to learn it but I got it *yes sara you know him lol*.

Positive things and positive people will help me and make me a positive person. You are who you are around. I am a strong believer of that. So anyway, I am working on me. Me. Yeah for me. I have the best of family and friends in my life. I have 3 plus 3 nieces and nephews (technically 1 girl, 2 boys but then my other 2 "nieces" and my "nephew" all 6 who I deeply love) who are fantastic and just seeing any of them makes me smile.

Speaking of which, spent the day with my nephew Cole and we had so much fun. He's so freaking funny!!! Had the meeting/therapy/ counceling session today and I think Ill go every once in a while. I know I am somewhat normal but its nice for a professional to tell me I am. I just need to get out of the mood swings. They're pretty bad. Eyes are burning and I am falling asleep on here so goodnight :)